Confusion

So. This is going to be a serious post. I know its different but I just need to do it. The usual posts will resume when I stop feeling wierd. So I've been trying to not put myself down for the last two days or something. Yea, I know cami. Such a good thing to do for yourself. No. It's clearly NOT good for me. Because it's become so natural for me to say "I'm stupid" or other "put downs" about myself that it only hurts when I do something wrong. But my no-self-hating thing has failed. And I feel worse about little things than I should. So, those who know me, your gonna have to just get used to me putting myself down. Because I can't stop it without wanting to sit in a corner and cry and beat myself up about little things that happened a long time ago when I stop not hating myself. (remember the flashbacks? They were just a really Long involuntary beating up) Usually, I just beat myself up for doing something wrong. But today when my "self hatey" side broke through. I was hating myself because I had failed. Then I started telling lies about myself. And eventually beat myself up for doing absolutely nothing. I just did it. No reason. I didn't like it so I'm not emo. And I'm confused why! It's just. NOTHING! I'm telling lies about myself for no reason at all! And I hate it! So much that I hate myself for not controlling it! *pauses* EUREAKA! I've got it! I know why Im doing this! I won't tell you and no it's not depression (the kind they advertise about on tv for) but now I can stop because I know the reason and because the reason is stupid I can stop! YAY! *hugs for everyone* yay yay yay yay yay yay yay!!!! Regular posts will resume tomorrow or on my next post!(if all goes well) I want to thank Eleanor especially because she talked to me tonight and made me feel a bit better and if I was as sad as earlier I wouldn't be able to figure it out!! THANK YOU A BILLION TRILLION TIMES!

•••Ewok